Knitting post

Over the last 12 weeks, knitting has been the one thing to keep me sane. For the first six weeks, I wasn't working, so I just sat at home and knit. Well, cried and knit. Anything to keep me from pulling my hair out. So, I've ended up burning through my stash (plus some new yarn purchases) and creating a whole new fall wardrobe. Some of the projects that have kept me busy (obviously, these are not my photos. Maybe someday, I'll get around to posting my actual project photos, but don't hold your breath):

Snowy Triangle Scarf from "Handknit Holidays"
2 (1 for me, 1 for a friend to be named later)
On the one for me, I used the lovely Artfibers Satori yarn that Mel gave me last year for my birthday










Stitch Diva's Crocheted Clogs
Christmas gift for a friend to be named later
Brown Sheep Lamb's Pride
























Stitch Diva's Crocheted Newsboy Cap for me (because who else do I know that actually wears hats?)
Stashbuster (Trendsetter random silk/acrylic/linen blend from Yarn Lady sale)














Interweave Knits Spring '05 Cable-Eight Top for me (finally used that Rowan Cork in Sour that I've been hanging on to for a year)















Knitscene Fall '05 Raglan sweater for me (stashbuster -- ivory Brown Sheep Cotton Fleece & grey blue Debbie Bliss Cashmerino)















Interweave Knits Summer '06 Seaberry Shell
for me (Cascade Pima Silk in fern)















Knitscene Spring '06 Matador Bolero
2 for me (stashbuster -- Classic Elite Gatsby in orange and Rio de la Plata in red/black/green)














Interweave Knits/Loop d Loop Ballerina tank 3 (1 3/4 length sleeve and 1 cap sleeve for me, 1 cap sleeve for Jenny)
Total stashbuster (Cotton fleece & RYC Cashcotton, random merino wool, Rowan Calmer & Tootsie P rayon tape ribbon)
















Knitting (and a bit of crochet) has been very therapuetic for me through all of this. I guess I've felt that so much of my life has been out of control lately, and one thing I can control is what I produce with yarn and two sticks (or a hook).

ramble ramble ramble

Thank you to everyone who left the wonderfully kind and thoughtful comments on my last post. Sometimes it's easy to get tunnel vision and think that I'm the only person who thinks about what happened, but your comments helped to remind me that I have wonderful friends who really care.

As I mentioned in my last post, I really am seeing more doctors now than I ever thought possible. My primary care doc (to help get my blood pressure under control), a new high-risk OB, a psychiatrist (for the happy pills and the sleepy pills), a psychologist (for therapy), and, as of today, a nephrologist (to evaluate my kidney function and see if the PE and HELLP caused any lasting damage). Apparently, my echocardiogram came back ok, so no need (as of yet) to see a cardiologist. One less doctor.

All of this to get my body (and mind) back into a place where we can try again to have a baby. I'm hopeful that if today's tests come back ok, and we can get my blood pressure under control, that we can get the go ahead in a few months, but we could be asked to wait until this spring, which would be difficult. I know that the holidays are going to be hard this year, as we were supposed to be celebrating all of Eliza's firsts: first Christmas, first picture with Santa, etc., and I think they would be a bit easier to get through if we were already trying again. Of course, the primary goal is to have a healthy pregnancy and bring home a healthy baby, but I guess I would just prefer that goal was fulfilled sooner, rather than later.

Wanting to get pregnant again doesn't mean that I've "gotten over" Eliza's death -- I don't think that you ever "get over" the death of your child. But I was cheated out of being a mother to a healthy baby, which is now something I want more than ever. Eliza will always be my first born, and now I want to give her brothers & sisters.

Just because I didn't get to know Eliza outside of my body, it doesn't mean that she wasn't a person, a child, my baby. I knew her intimately, and I miss her every day. But somehow, over the last few months, I've learned how to function, despite that loss. I get up in the morning, take a shower, get dressed, take my meds, record my blood pressure, go to work, eat, knit (oh boy, do I knit), see friends (occasionally -- I'm working up to that more), joke with my husband and generally try to keep going. I think that's what Eliza would want.

If you're still reading this, thank you. The more I talk/write about what happened, the better I am able to deal with it.

Who am I?

I've been thinking a lot about this question lately. Who am I?

I am:
a wife
a daughter
a sister
a college graduate
a professional
a knitter
a crocheter
a mother who lost her baby
a preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome survivor
a woman who often feels like she's coming apart at the seams
a person who is trying to regain some semblance of normalcy after her life has been turned upside down
a patient who now sees more doctors than she ever thought possible
a mother who is desperately sad that her baby died, but is hopeful that, with knowledge and proactive medical care, she can bring home a healthy child someday

In loving memory of Eliza Pearl Manfredi, born/died July 4, 2006.

Pregnant stuff, and then some knitting. I promise.

In a nod to Crazy Aunt Purl, I just need to "hold on for one more day-ay." Tahoe is coming, or rather, I'm going to Tahoe on Saturday for a whole week. And I need this vacation like never before.

I feel like I've been on an emotional & physical roller coaster for the last couple of weeks. Emotionally, I've been feeling down & out. Mostly depressed and self-centered. Physically, I'm still nauseous (I now have my "special" puking place in the driveway as I sit in my car trying to leave for work) and for the last week, I've been swollen beyond belief. By the end of the day, my feet literally feel like they will split in two, or at least get horrid stretch marks. At least my hip & back pain has died down and I'm sleeping better, because I might just kill somebody if I wasn't.

Last night after work, I decided to rest my tired feet in a cold bath. It felt fabulous, but then I heard my cell phone ringing in my purse in the living room. I got up and *thought I dried my feet* and walked out into the hallway (the hallway now known as the Slip 'N Slide of Death) and promptly fell on my face. Well, my knee and hands, actually. Falling as an adult is a bit weird, especially a pregnant adult. My weight has shifted so much that my sense of balance is just a *bit* off -- not enough that I notice it all the time, but when I start to fall, I can't necessarily catch myself. So I laid on the floor and whimpered for a few minutes before I got up. And then I got the Headache of Doom, which refused to go away all night, and even into this morning.

I've just decided that I hate happy pregnant women*, and all those nonpregnant women who ask, "don't you lurvvv being pregnant?" No, I don't love being pregnant. I love Figalina, but process of bringing her into the world generally sucks.

*Not individually, but more as a class of people. Really, I'm just jealous. I just hate the fact that the general assumption is that pregnancy is wonderful, and it's only abberrant, grumpy women that can't enjoy this beautiful time of their lives. From my tally, the happy pregnant women are the abberration, not the norm.

Ok, I promised knitting, so here we go. I've decided that I want to make the Seaberry Shell by Wenlan Chia (of Twinkle by Wenlan) from the Spring 2006 issue of Interweave knits. I love her designs, and I thought it would be a fun beach project. However, the pattern calls for her yarn, Twinkle Cruise (70% silk, 30% cotton). Ok, so where would one find this yarn? Good question! Interweave directs readers to the Twinkle website, http://www.twinklebywenlan.com/. Ok, sounds reasonable. On the site, there is a tab for "twinkle handknit yarns," but when you click on it, all you get is a pretty slide show of her runway shows. Um, ok. Not so helpful. I've emailed both Interweave Knits and Twinkle by Wenlan for more info, but have yet to hear back (to be fair, I just emailed them yesterday). But um, this magazine came out more than a month ago, people. Make sure that the recommended yarn is actually available by the time the mag goes to print! If I don't hear back (and even if I do, frankly), I may just head down to A Mano and get Shannita to recommend a substitute yarn. Grr.