Thursday, March 30, 2006

mini emotional breakdown time

I honestly don't know how I feel about being so open about the emotional roller coaster I'm on, but I feel like it needs to come out in some way, shape or fashion. Back when I had my last doctor's appointment a few weeks back, my OB noticed some slight swelling in my fingers and said that I should be very careful about salt intake and should increase my water consumption greatly. I listened, I did, and I thought I was doing ok. Low salt wheat thins, low salt lunch meat, etc.

But, of course, yesterday at lunch (my boss's birthday) the office catered in PF Chang's. And the whole low-salt thing slipped my mind. When I went in for my appointment yesterday and stepped on the scale, I was shocked. According to the scale, I had gained 14 pounds in 3 weeks. I was reeling. I feel like I've been trying to be good, and yet, I'm obviously not trying hard enough. Even my doctor was stunned. I didn't look or feel like I had put on more than a couple of pounds. She decided that either the initial weigh in had been incorrect or that I was retaining water like a camel. And the water retention theory seems to be the popular one.

And so I got a lecture (a gentle one, but a lecture nonetheless) on exercising (vigorously) at least 5 times a week, watching my salt intake like a hawk, and drinking like a fish. And then I got the big scare: if I don't do these things, and swelling continues, I'll end up with preclampsia (which means "pre-seizure") and end up having my baby at 7 months, and he/she will be in the NICU.

I managed to get through the rest of the appointment, and into my car before I started crying. I felt like a failure. In general, I am a can-do person. I put my mind to something and I get it done. But this pregnancy has thrown me for a loop. I should be focused on the figgy baby inside, but mostly I'm thinking about how crappy I feel most of the time. I don't want to be selfish; I don't want a premature baby with health problems; I want everything to go well. I just don't feel like I'm doing a good job.

Richard is wonderful, and he's been so supportive through this. I couldn't ask for more in a husband. But sometimes I don't feel pregnant. I feel like my body has been highjacked and that the things that I want for me aren't important anymore. I have those feelings, and then I feel guilty for being selfish.

And it doesn't help that I have yet to see anything resembling anything on a sonogram. My OB thinks I may have a fibroid tumor on my uterus that is blocking the view. So I have to go in for an official ultrasound tomorrow to check that out. Fun! I guess I'm just feeling a little beaten down right now.

I'm really not writing this to try to get sympathy. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest, and sometimes, the internet is the easiest place to be very personal, in a weird way.