Wednesday, October 25, 2006

what's going on

What's going on? Well, my 31st birthday was yesterday, and while it wasn't a "hurrah!"-type of occasion, it was nice. Rich and I went to La Taquiza, a yummy hole-in-the-wall by USC, for dinner (their mulitas, described by LA food critic Jonathan Gold as "quesadillas on steroids," are to die for). I received several lovely emails, calls & cards from friends and family, letting me know that they hoped I had a great day, and an even better year to come. 30 certainly was not the year that I expected, but I've survived, and am looking forward to 31. I have many hopes for this year.

This has been a particularly tough couple of weeks for me. Eliza's due date came and went, but I don't think it really hit me until this weekend, at a friend's party. I don't know why my reaction was so delayed, but all of a sudden, the grief and disappointment and frustration hit me again like a ton of bricks. And I have to be honest that I really wasn't looking forward to my birthday -- it seemed so loaded with meaning. 30 was going to be the year we had a baby. We found out I was pregnant on Richard's 30th birthday. Eliza's birthday was supposed to be only a week before mine. And Halloween is just around the corner: my favorite holiday (I grew up always having costume birthday parties, and I dreamed about Eliza's). And this weekend, we are heading up to San Francisco for the Preeclampsia Foundation gala -- a positive event that I know will raise a lot of money to fund research, but also one that I know will make me cry.

But I also know that we are getting ready to start trying to get pregnant again. And I need to be ready to be happy. I want to be able to tell our future children that I was joyful, and not consumed with sadness, when we decided to create them.

On that note of positivity, I'd like everyone to send good thoughts to Allison, whose labor is being induced today. Allison & I announced that we were pregnant on the same day back in February. She & I bonded over the happy, and the uncomfortable, aspects of pregnancy. When we lost Eliza, she was incredibly supportive, and she even understood that I couldn't be comfortable with her in person, simply because of what we had shared. I hope her little (big) Mr. Roly Poly comes into the world happy and healthy. I already know that he has two great parents waiting for him.