Lump

I'm going to admit something that I am not very comfortable admitting: I am scared, and anxious and I feel like I just want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, and I know that others probably have far more reason to feel this way, and so I almost feel like I don't have a right to feel this way. I'm employed, even if my husband is not (not at the level he used to be, at least). My family is relatively healthy, and even with a drastically reduced income, we are making ends meet for now. We aren't losing our home, and while we have cut many of the extras of life, we still have enough to indulge in a few luxuries.

But I would be lying if I said that there wasn't an uncomfortable amount of pressure involved in being the only wage-earner in my house. My job feels steady at the moment, but I've only been here 7 months. I'm trying to battle the "what-ifs" because what's the point of worrying about a hypothetical? For now, I'm bringing home a steady paycheck. So why do I feel like I'm walking right on the edge of a cliff?

I've been through much worse times than this, and I know that, overall, I have a great life, but I can't seem to get rid of the lump of anxiety in my chest. I don't even have my own office anymore, so I can't just sit here and cry at my desk to relieve some of the pressure.

I hate being tense most of the time. I hate when one little thing can just set me off. And most of all, I feel guilty about feeling mad about the situation we're in. I can't be mad at Richard for losing his job. It's not like he asked to be laid off, along with 1/3 of his company. He has way more right to be angry and depressed about the situation at hand. So I feel guilty any time I get frustrated.

I should probably try directing my anger and frustration upwards, at the government and corporate interests who got the whole country in this mess. But ultimately, that is unsatisfying, too. There is too much blame to go around and it is spread all over the political spectrum. Even if I could blame the whole financial meltdown of the world economy on Dick Cheney, someone for whom I have absolutely no positive feelings, what good would that do me?

In my head, I know that I have a right to feel pissed off that my financial situation has changed so drastically through no fault of my own. I know that it is perfectly reasonable to feel frustration and anxiety. But that knowledge doesn't really change how I feel, or impact that lump in my chest.