Thursday, January 11, 2007

World, meet Pumpkin

Pumpkin, meet the world.

I've been a bit quiet over here in Handy Craft-land, but for a good reason, and I guess it's time to be open & upfront. I am very happy to be expecting the birth of my very own pumpkin-baby this summer! I'm officially 10 weeks along today, and am feeling pretty good. Well, that's a qualified "pretty good," with a good helping of anxiety, confusion, sadness, and a bit of morning sickness, to boot. I've been somewhat reluctant to talk about this pregnancy because I've been afraid to jinx it -- like if I talk about how happy I am, it will all be taken away from me. It's irrational, but it's an awfully hard feeling to fight when you've already been through the worst once and are petrified to go through it again.

After Eliza died, I could think of nothing else but getting pregnant again. Not because I wanted to "replace" her, but because I was ready to have a healthy, happy baby, and that opportunity was stolen from me. It's incredibly important for Richard and I that people don't think that because I'm pregnant again, that we're "over" our grief. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that you never "get over" the death of a child or the loss of a pregnancy. You just learn to live with the pain. And that's what we're doing, living with the pain, and having the courage and faith to hope that we'll have a better outcome this time.

Rich & I decided early that this baby needed a name, and he picked "Pumpkin," which I love. Pumpkin is officially due on August 8, but given my history, I'm just thinking sometime this summer. I am receiving very good medical care from a great OB. I have an appointment with a perinatologist (doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies) in 2 weeks, and I'm also still seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with the anxiety and conflicting emotions.
We are incredibly happy to have been given another chance to have a baby, a happy, healthy baby. I'm trying to take it all one day at a time, and not project too far ahead, but sometimes it's hard. But I guess that's why I finally decided to introduce Pumpkin to the world, to share our joy and to ask for support. I think we're going to need it.