think lovely thoughts

I'm trying really hard to be happy. I want to be happy. I've been sad now constantly for 3 months (as of yesterday), and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy, and I want positive things to look forward to. And yet, I don't want to minimize or gloss over what happened, or Eliza's place in my life. My therapist calls it survivor guilt (god, I'm becoming one of those pathetic people who only talks about what their therapist says). I know that Eliza, like any child, wouldn't want her mom to feel guilty about being happy. I know I have to give myself permission to be happy again, that being happy does not mean that Eliza doesn't still matter. But I can say these things, and know these things in my head, and still not feel them.

So, I try to at least appear happy, the thought being that if I can look happy, then maybe the feeling will start to seep in. I've put up my Halloween decorations in my office. I'm going back to my old habit of always wearing at least one thing that I've made. I made a list of the home improvement projects that I want to undertake (oh, say like actually finally getting all of the moving boxes out of the house). I've started making Christmas presents. We're planning our annual Friends Thanksgiving get-together. And next month, I'm going to make an appointment with my OB for a preconception check-up. Getting pregnant again is going to bring up all kinds of emotions, I know, but they are ones that I can't even fathom right now. So I just have to leave that kind of worrying for when it happens, and for now, just think lovely thoughts.

My handmade item of the day is the matador bolero from the Spring/Summer 06 Knitscene (knit in Rio de la Plata carried with Elann.com's Baby Cashmere)