Friday, November 04, 2005

hmm

In a riff on Miss Kendra's post, I'm going to write about depression this morning. And yet, I'm not depressed. I'm chipper, actually. I feel like I'm in a good place emotionally, semi-stable place financially, and a postive place work-wise.

Not that I've never been depressed. I've been through short-term therapy twice, the first time in college while my parents were getting divorced, and the second about a year-and-a-half ago when work was very stressful, I couldn't find a new job, and I felt it was impacting my relationship with Richard. I've never been on any mood-enhancing drugs, although most members of my family have, to their benefit.

So why am I writing about depression? Lately, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life. Like things are going really well, relatively, and so something crappy must be on its way. Rich & I had a huge, knock-down, drag-out fight/discussion/tear-fest in Taos last month that could have ended very badly, but, luckily for all parties involved, it didn't. That was the worst thing that has happened to me in a long time. But I've watched some of my friends go through difficult times this year: my dear friend's boyfriend (whom she had just moved in with 2 days before) died unexpectedly; another friend just had a baby 4 weeks premature, and she struggled emotionally until her baby was able to come home from the hospital.

And yet, I feel good. Not about those bad things that have happened to friends, but about my life in general. How long can someone be happy? Isn't life cyclical? Isn't that what we tell people who are going through tough times, "it's got to get better?" So is the reverse true? Does it have to get worse? A
nd am I just being a self-involved idiot for looking at my happy-go-lucky life and trying to plumb some angst and sympathy? Am I just like some pampered suburban teenager in black who complains about how awful life is when everything has been handed to them on a silver plate?

I'm not going to complain about how great I feel in general. It's a good thing, and I should just hold onto it for as long as I can. And I've asked Laurie to do an astrology chart for me, just in case I need to be prepared for the crap to hit the fan.

For those people who are reading this and wondering, where's the knitting? What about the craft updates? Isn't it almost Christmas (7 crafting weeks left!)? Well, at SnB last night, I bemoaned the fact that Richard's sweater is taking forever. When I rechecked my gauge, I was way too tight -- instead of 18 stiches and 24 rows to 4", I was at 24 stitches and 28 rows. So I have to rip out the stockinette (I'll leave the ribbing as is -- it will be too depressing if I have to start completely from scratch), and redo, probably with size 8 needles, instead of size 6s. So, in the long run, the sweater will go quicker, but probably not quick enough for my sanity.

2 comments:

miss kendra said...

you use your superhero powers for good.

i spend a great deal of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. in my own life i have seen many cycles (already, at 25) and so i know how things change and change and change again.

the cycles aren't necessarily symmetrical though.

you'll be ok. i will too!

laurie said...

I know well of this "other shoe" business of which you speak. I do think things go in cycles, but I am beginning to finally understand that we have input into these cycles, too.

You looked radiant at SNB last night, I could tell you were in a good place, and it's a lovely thing to see :)

Email me your info -- DOB, time and place (city) and I'l do your chart.
xoxo
L