Topsy Turvy

I've been meaning to write for days, but every time I open a post, I just stare blankly. Do I write about innocuous knitting projects (my first sock, a new knit hat for Richard, etc.) or do I write a more in-depth, but possibly maudlin post about grief, hope and expectations? I don't know. I've never claimed to be a cohesive blogger -- this blog has always been more a collections of happenings in my life rather than a strict "knit blog." But I've been feeling even more scattered than ever lately, and I guess the not writing is reflective of that.

Next week, we head up to Tahoe to scatter Eliza's ashes. We've been planning this for about the last month and a half, and yet, until last night, Rich & I hadn't sat down to think out what we wanted to say. I guess it was our own form of avoidance, because this makes it final. Last night, I cried more than I have in a really long time. Just going over a variety of specific, happy memories (when we found out we were pregnant, the first ultrasound, the first time I felt her move) brought up a swell of emotion that I hadn't realized was still buried inside. But it's important to remember -- they are the best memories we have of our time with her. And after next weekend, she'll be in Lake Tahoe, a special place for our family, and a place where we can visit her every year and remember how wonderful she was.

If I don't post as frequently as I should, please bear with me. Everything is a bit topsy-turvy right now, but I know that it's going to get better.

World, meet Pumpkin

Pumpkin, meet the world.

I've been a bit quiet over here in Handy Craft-land, but for a good reason, and I guess it's time to be open & upfront. I am very happy to be expecting the birth of my very own pumpkin-baby this summer! I'm officially 10 weeks along today, and am feeling pretty good. Well, that's a qualified "pretty good," with a good helping of anxiety, confusion, sadness, and a bit of morning sickness, to boot. I've been somewhat reluctant to talk about this pregnancy because I've been afraid to jinx it -- like if I talk about how happy I am, it will all be taken away from me. It's irrational, but it's an awfully hard feeling to fight when you've already been through the worst once and are petrified to go through it again.

After Eliza died, I could think of nothing else but getting pregnant again. Not because I wanted to "replace" her, but because I was ready to have a healthy, happy baby, and that opportunity was stolen from me. It's incredibly important for Richard and I that people don't think that because I'm pregnant again, that we're "over" our grief. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that you never "get over" the death of a child or the loss of a pregnancy. You just learn to live with the pain. And that's what we're doing, living with the pain, and having the courage and faith to hope that we'll have a better outcome this time.

Rich & I decided early that this baby needed a name, and he picked "Pumpkin," which I love. Pumpkin is officially due on August 8, but given my history, I'm just thinking sometime this summer. I am receiving very good medical care from a great OB. I have an appointment with a perinatologist (doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies) in 2 weeks, and I'm also still seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with the anxiety and conflicting emotions.
We are incredibly happy to have been given another chance to have a baby, a happy, healthy baby. I'm trying to take it all one day at a time, and not project too far ahead, but sometimes it's hard. But I guess that's why I finally decided to introduce Pumpkin to the world, to share our joy and to ask for support. I think we're going to need it.

Happy Festivus

This post will be short, as Richard is patiently waiting for his laptop back. But I couldn't go another day without showing off the fab Christmas stocking I made for him:


Isn't it awesome? I'm very proud of myself, and don't mind showing it off. Red ultrasuede and bronze vinyl, with gold ribbon star. No pattern used, just freestyled it. Hee!

Christmas is almost here, and for the first time, family is coming here, rather than us traveling to San Jose. I'm planning a Mexican-themed dinner, with a corn chowder and roasted peppers, chicken & pork tamales, chicken enchiladas, stuffed acorn squash, rice, and beans. My sister Jenny is planning on handling dessert: tres leches cake. Yum. Hope everything turns out well.

Christmas is typically an idealized, overly commercial, high anxiety time of year. We all feel such pressure to be happy that we usually end up feeling miserable. After the year that Rich & I have had, I'm trying to just focus on the joy of everyday pleasures: family, friends, home. That's all I can ask for. I hope that all of you have a joyous and stress-free holiday season.

It's Alf!

This may be my favorite Christmas present that I've ever made. It's Alf, the Scary Elf!


Alf is about 36" long, and is a Christmas card holder! Just what everyone needs. Alf is destined for my dear friend, Carrie, who has a penchant for scary elves. Alf will be the "big" brother to the original scary elf, Kippy, who is a demonic looking poseable elf from the late 1960s.

I got the pattern for Alf from the 1966 edition of McCall's Christmas Make-It Ideas, one of my many vintage craft magazines. The minute I saw him, I knew I had to make him. Richard decided his name, as he looks slightly alien. He may not be quite as scary as Screech, the frightenly crocheted screech owl, but he does have sequins and pom poms. And he'll have a loving home, where his creepiness will be truly appreciated. I can't wait for Carrie's reaction.