Innocuous Knitting Post

Ok, time for some fluffy knitting/crochet-related posting. On Friday, Rich & I attended Stitch n' Stitches, an event organized by the fabulous Allison (she of Supercrafty! fame) at the UCLA vs. Stanford hockey game. It was a really good game, with UCLA winning in overtime, and Richard enjoyed himself, even if his inner Trojan was crying. It was a fun night out, and we got to see Peggy, Faith, Julia, Teresa, Allison and her son Evan, who is absolutely adorable. Allison let me hold Evan for a while and it felt really nice. It was the first time I'd held a baby since Eliza, and it felt wonderful.

In the above photo, I'm working on a crocheted hat, the Stitch Diva Gatsby Cloche. I decided that since it's about 40 degrees up in Tahoe, a hat would probably be a useful thing to have. So I broke out the RYC Cashsoft that Mel & Grant gave me for my birthday and got to work. It's soft, but not too warm. It may work better as a springtime in LA hat than a winter in Tahoe hat.

So, in an attempt to have a warmer head, I started Calorimetry. I had seen Peggy's super cute version on Friday, and decided to use a skein of 1824 Wool that Allison had included in my Stitch n' Stiches gift bag. Unfortuneatly, I guess my gauge was off and it ended up too big. I have a big head (no, seriously, I took a millinery class, and my 24" head is a whopper), but my Calorimetry looks like it's supersized. I can still make it work, but I'm not sure I want to. Eh, live and learn. It took about a day, so I'm not too broken up about it.

I also made a knit hat for Richard, just a simple 2x2 ribbed hat in varying stripes of brown and green, but I have yet to get a photo of him in it. I'm also sort of working on my first sock, but I'm just not very motivated. I just don't wear socks, unless it's really cold. I live in LA -- it's cold for maybe 2-3 months, and even that's pushing it. So I may need to find another instant gratification project. Any suggestions?

No knitting could be cuter than this.

Topsy Turvy

I've been meaning to write for days, but every time I open a post, I just stare blankly. Do I write about innocuous knitting projects (my first sock, a new knit hat for Richard, etc.) or do I write a more in-depth, but possibly maudlin post about grief, hope and expectations? I don't know. I've never claimed to be a cohesive blogger -- this blog has always been more a collections of happenings in my life rather than a strict "knit blog." But I've been feeling even more scattered than ever lately, and I guess the not writing is reflective of that.

Next week, we head up to Tahoe to scatter Eliza's ashes. We've been planning this for about the last month and a half, and yet, until last night, Rich & I hadn't sat down to think out what we wanted to say. I guess it was our own form of avoidance, because this makes it final. Last night, I cried more than I have in a really long time. Just going over a variety of specific, happy memories (when we found out we were pregnant, the first ultrasound, the first time I felt her move) brought up a swell of emotion that I hadn't realized was still buried inside. But it's important to remember -- they are the best memories we have of our time with her. And after next weekend, she'll be in Lake Tahoe, a special place for our family, and a place where we can visit her every year and remember how wonderful she was.

If I don't post as frequently as I should, please bear with me. Everything is a bit topsy-turvy right now, but I know that it's going to get better.

World, meet Pumpkin

Pumpkin, meet the world.

I've been a bit quiet over here in Handy Craft-land, but for a good reason, and I guess it's time to be open & upfront. I am very happy to be expecting the birth of my very own pumpkin-baby this summer! I'm officially 10 weeks along today, and am feeling pretty good. Well, that's a qualified "pretty good," with a good helping of anxiety, confusion, sadness, and a bit of morning sickness, to boot. I've been somewhat reluctant to talk about this pregnancy because I've been afraid to jinx it -- like if I talk about how happy I am, it will all be taken away from me. It's irrational, but it's an awfully hard feeling to fight when you've already been through the worst once and are petrified to go through it again.

After Eliza died, I could think of nothing else but getting pregnant again. Not because I wanted to "replace" her, but because I was ready to have a healthy, happy baby, and that opportunity was stolen from me. It's incredibly important for Richard and I that people don't think that because I'm pregnant again, that we're "over" our grief. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that you never "get over" the death of a child or the loss of a pregnancy. You just learn to live with the pain. And that's what we're doing, living with the pain, and having the courage and faith to hope that we'll have a better outcome this time.

Rich & I decided early that this baby needed a name, and he picked "Pumpkin," which I love. Pumpkin is officially due on August 8, but given my history, I'm just thinking sometime this summer. I am receiving very good medical care from a great OB. I have an appointment with a perinatologist (doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies) in 2 weeks, and I'm also still seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with the anxiety and conflicting emotions.
We are incredibly happy to have been given another chance to have a baby, a happy, healthy baby. I'm trying to take it all one day at a time, and not project too far ahead, but sometimes it's hard. But I guess that's why I finally decided to introduce Pumpkin to the world, to share our joy and to ask for support. I think we're going to need it.